Betrayal at the hands of another Woman...ouch!

Being betrayed by men is common knowledge now especially towards women who have decided to live truthfully and out loud. We are learning how to hold our boundaries with these betrayals, take care of ourselves and learn and grow into a wiser self. There are many others who are willing to support us on our quest to empower ourselves after centuries of abuse at the hands of men.
     What happens when it's at the hands of other women?
I am not talking about the petty stuff that we all do at some point in our lives like looking one another up and down when you enter a room (especially if your single and exude it!) or the moment you disagree and it becomes ugly because you see the true colors of a woman you thought was a friend. I'm not talking about these normal "she" situations that happen. I'm talking about the betrayal that takes generations of women to come up and out to be healed. This betrayal is sneaky, illusive and constantly has it's hands around your throat. It keeps you from constantly choosing the wrong guy or work. It keeps you from comprehending your own worth. You can read self-help books, pray, do ceremony and manage it. This helps but so many will live an entire life and not know what it was that kept them quiet, subdued and confused. Betrayal from men can certainly do this but a woman who is seeking herself intentionally eventually comes out of this and lives a happy life.  There are different types of betrayal from women but they can all damage you just as deeply.

1. Betrayal from a woman in a power position. This can be at work, within the justice system maybe at a financial institution or at your kids school. There are women everywhere who have taken on male thought and eased their discomfort of being a woman in this time by implementing the masculine systems. I understand this is necessary to a degree and to be able to operate in this society but when it is used to intentionally or not to hurt another woman the wound is deeper. An example of this is a woman being the boss in your job does everything possible to keep you down, unheard and even belittle your expertise, experience and knowledge. When it's off the charts they will lure you in making you feel like they're your friend and on your side but when it comes to being in the meeting or giving your review they turn on you and use policy against you to make you appear inexperienced, inappropriate and/or unprofessional. This can cause you to be demoted, lose a job and worse question yourself and your abilities.

2. Betrayal by close friends, sisters really suck! These women know you intimately and know what hurts you and use it against you when the opportunity arises. I have been very blessed here because I have not experienced it. I have, however, been witness to it and it's dirty and ugly. There are women out in the world who know exactly how to manipulate people in such a way that they are believable. They are usually the super fun women who get a lot of sexual attention and who have never experienced enough pain to know really what they are made of. They are not self made women and they resent it. Granted, most of this can happen subconsciously but the cut is still sharp and deep. They are quick to judge and gossip. They will throw you under the bus in a heart beat especially if you are a beautiful, strong and smart woman. I have a sister who isn't my sister by blood but I will do anything for her and I've witnessed women in her life do this to her many times. She is kind hearted, loving and always gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and because she does this so clean and with conviction it creates a power in her that is unshakable so for women who aren't, she can be very intimidating. I've seen her heart broken and sad at the hands of irresponsible women she trusted and called friends. I don't even know how to end this one except to say that it's disgusting and damaging and the only explanation I can attempt is these women are also hurting and dying to be validated for their existence and have never been given permission to be true to themselves and so resentment grows creating a "scorned" woman.

3. Betrayal by family. This one is...well, can cause so much damage that you may not ever recover unless you are diligent to get to the other side. This one is disguised in "I don't want to cause more hurt", "let be bygones be bygones", "let what happened in the past stay in the past", "That's not what I meant", "she probably asked for it", "She lies a lot", "She's just moody" ...this list is endless! These are the family secrets that no one talks about because they just don't know how or can't stand being perceived as anything other than the perfect, faith filled family. I recently experienced this and it completely side swiped me because I was not expecting it at all. I've done so much work around my damage from men but it never occurred to me that I had ever been psychologically or spiritually hurt by women much less in my family. I thought that women remaining silence in my family was a strength I would never understand or have the discipline to practice. What that silence did was make me wrong and take full responsibility for being raped, molested. It was my fault that men did this to me. Men and boys left the dining table when I sat to eat as to not eat with a whore and the women in my family allowed this behavior and treatment of me. I use my story here but it has happened to others and I've experienced it. When women are so dis-empowered that their silence perpetuates pain and damage in their children, nieces, granddaughters the pain becomes systemic and generational. This is much harder to heal but possible. To women reading this who have experienced this, I say as a woman and in place of those women in your family who are not able to say it,
     
"I'm so sorry for not defending you. I'm sorry for not speaking up at the injustice. I'm sorry. I love you and it is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. You have done everything right by attempting to be your true self."

It is possible to grow from these experiences by holding fast to your boundaries, being good to yourself and most importantly stopping this disfunction with you.
We have all been the betrayer in some way in our lives because this is how the current system is set up. It is set up to keep us against each other, quiet, confused and small. I believe with my whole heart that all women can return to truth with enough love and acceptance.
Together, anything is possible and I hope this validates you and you find some strength in it to begin exuding your true self and begin rebuilding trust of your intuition. I wish you friendships with women who have your best in their thoughts and who are secure in themselves enough to give you your own stage to shine!
Abrazos

Fraud and Identity Theft; What to expect, how to cope

Fraud and identity theft are exploding now and causing more and more damage to working class U.S. Americans and it impacts single mothers  more than most. The challenge is our banking and credit systems are not set up to prevent or support those who have been through this potentially traumatizing experience. I have been through it twice now, the first time was severe and the second not as bad, only because I was emotionally prepared and I knew what to expect. The first thing you need to understand is that your information is out there regardless of how diligent you are in protecting it. The best thing to do is to check your accounts daily through your online banking systems and change your login and passwords frequently. I know this sounds like a big pain in the butt and takes a lot of time but trust me, your peace of mind is worth it. Also, if you are a low income person like me one fraudulent charge on your account can snowball into a devastating situation because you don't have the "backup" money or credit line as a cushion.

1. It's important to understand the difference between debit cards and credit cards when it comes to getting your money backfrom fraudulent charges. Usually, a credit card company will credit the fraudulent charges immediately and issue you a new card with out much of a hassle. Your bank, on the other hand, is a whole other monster. Here's what you can do when you first see the fraudulent charges and what to expect at your bank. Keep in mind these are general and each bank will have their own process and the bigger they are the less they care about your situation and are less likely to work with you, unless you keep a fairly large balance with them, then they will be helpful.


2. Your bank will ask you to come in and fill out a form disputing the charge or charges. If there is more than one you will have to fill out a form for each transaction. The important thing to keep in mind here is your bank will probably ask you to produce receipts for the transactions that are yours. Who does this?! I think this gives them a way to validate saying "no" when it comes to getting your money back. I could write a few blogs about this alone because depending on who you bank with, and the person you deal with there could be many prejudices that get in the way. The first time I experienced identity theft my bank completely dismissed me and even made me feel like I had been irresponsible and not good with money for not keeping my receipts. The bank manager proudly scolded me for being a single mom, student, full-time employee who couldn't prove I didn't make those transactions myself. It was disgusting.
Also, if you live pay check to pay check like I have for years now you know to the penny how much money you have and which bills need to be paid so if this happens to you and there are over draft protection fees on your account it screws EVERYTHING up! Neither of my banks were willing to fully credit those fees even though they are there for fraud or ID theft. The credit union I currently bank with credited only half of the over draft fees. Better than nothing but don't expect banks to have a conscience, people-to-people ethics or empathy. I recommend keeping a small envelope in your purse for every purchase you make on your debit card.

3. Call the police! I can't stress this enough. The first time I didn't call the police because I simply didn't know I could for this situation. I depended on my bank becasue I had that naive notion that my bank was there to protect my money. They aren't there to protect your money they exist to protect their money and will not give advise, support of any kind that will help you through this ordeal. Calling the police would've helped my case when it came to my credit and may have even gotten some of my money back, not to mention they may have found the person and my bank may have returned my money and I would've had the pleasure of taking it to the jerk who was the bank manager.

4. Call the credit bureaus and inform them of the fraud. They are the most difficult and the biggest jerks ever but they are that because they have all the power when it comes to the commoners like me who have little money. Don't be surprised by the animated system. It's the only way you deal with them,
                            there are no real people to interact with,
at least in my experience.They decide, by my credit score, where I can live, what I drive, even what kind of lifestyle I live. They don't care if you are a victim of fraud, or if you have an ex who doesn't care about your well being, or if you are the last choice to be hired for a living wage job, or that you have been a stay-at-home parent with no recent job history or that you were fired from your last job because you wouldn't sit on the bosses lap during your training. THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR SITUATION! They will also make you work your ass off to delete any of the inaccurate information on your credit report. Try your hardest not to get into the "this isn't right" frame of mind or conversations about justice because it doesn't apply and you will only make yourself crazy. 

5. Beware of credit reporting scams. Do not sign up for a $40 a month check-your-credit website. These are tricky because they take on names like Experian Credit Consumers blah blah blah. I made this mistake and they are no help at all except to charge you more and more. Also keep in mind if you need to dispute something on your credit report you have to do it in writing and I recommend sending it certified mail. They probably will deny it a couple of times or ask for a copy of your driver's license, pass port and a bill in your name with address matching your driver's license. Like I said, One giant SCAM!

6. YOU ARE NOT YOUR CREDIT SCORE OR YOUR ACCOUNT BALANCE. This is so hard when you're going through a severe identity theft situation. No one really understands it until they are a victim and unless they have been through it they will judge you, all of them, even your kids. I had 2 friends that didn't judge me or write me off as "bad" with money or irresponsible. My ex, extended friends, my kid's friends parents. They will all judge you. I even lost my amazing job at an amazing theatre because of the emotional trauma I was experiencing I couldn't do my job or conduct myself professionally as my life was falling apart around me. My car was repossessed, I lost the money that was going to go towards my first home purchase, my grades in school suffered horribly. I can seriously say that I suffer from ID Theft PTSD because my heart rate races and I become anxious each time I log into my bank account or walk into a bank. Do what ever you can to remember that
                this isn't an extension of your character. 
You have been a victim and because our credit and money is so tied to the kind of person you are in our society it can be very painful and traumatizing. Surround yourself with people who know the truth and who will support you. I would even seek professional counseling if you are able to afford it.

The money world is an ugly world but we have to live in it. Do the best you can to protect yourself but learn to separate yourself from it at the same time. I can't stress enough the importance of remembering and even saying out loud

                              "I am not my credit. I am not my bank account balance."

This is my experience and if you have any additional information or experiences you wish to share please do. The more we stick together the easier it gets!

Be Rich In Confidence and Peace!

I'm Not OK With This...by Napili Gaston

Napili on FB

I am not ok with this. I am not ok with how things are. I understand that it makes things easier for you and everyone else if I adapt myself, quiet myself, rise above, move aside, breathe, go within…… I get these concepts. I create my own reality,right… or do I? Do I choose a world that harms and discards their women and children the moment they don’t abide by “the program or need?” Do I choose a world that overall money and greed are the passion and priority and driving force above all else? Do I choose a world that disrespects and ignores our elderly, our indigenous peoples, our poor, and anyone else that isn’t easy to look at or gain something from. Ignoring what generations of turning away, pushing away, has done to them. Do I choose a world that is dying because of our selfishness and denial? Why is not OK for me to say that I would not choose these things? Why is it not ok to say that these things make me furious? I know I live here too and yes I drive a car and use make-up and have a footprint on this Earth as well. Those realizations of my own participation on some level has left me quiet and overwhelmed for most of my life. What right do I have? What can I do? What does a 37 year old mixed mother of three hairdresser who lives in Oregon have shit to say about what we should or should not being doing…Well, I do. I have eyes, and a sad heart and an angry gut, and a very strong knowing in my soul that this is NOT how we are “supposed” to be doing things. Some doing spiritual work would then say, but that is what is bringing you suffering, the notion that things should be different. You are fighting what IS. My response to that is “Yes, I know!” That is my point! I am fighting what IS because most of IT is wrong! There is a choice point here. Decide to see what is really going on around us and feel the discomfort! The overwhelming reality of the pain and sadness, the rage and atrocities! The ship that is sinking around us as we turn away, in whatever way, because it is easier! Then, maybe then, things can be done about the REALITY of it all. …Or turn away under the guise of separation, under the guise of the “all positive, manifest, make my own reality spirituality” which turns us all inward and leaves us floating in a bubble separate “yet one” and ungrounded…. Or hide away behind our stuff, our houses, our mindless daily rituals, our numbing we do just to make it through the day. Because in the end, what could one person do anyways …right? Having a voice is not easy, it definitely is not for me. I like cozy, and simple, honestly- I love easy!… but I cant stand by anymore and just watch. I cant go back and I sure cant go forward silent. I look around and I see. My eyes are open and its pretty horrible. There is an undercurrent of selfishness, greed, denial and power/control affecting our entire world tribe, with a million distraction techniques out there to keep you from seeing it. That is for the people that aren’t directly IN it. For those people that are the discarded, the “useless”, they get the other extreme. They get to make up for all the distracted others. They get to carry the burden of reality and wear it every day, mixed in with being used here and there. My sister is one of these people. She trudges forward every day carrying the burden of our prejudices and lack of “need.” What is a passionate, smart, wise and talented Mexican –Indian woman good for anyways? How could we make money off of her…? How can she benefit us…? She is too verbal, too opinionated, too….Well, she IS an amazing cook! And If you really knew her, you would know how disgusting it is to hear that comment, over and over again. We women who are pissed at centuries of terrible treatment, being discarded, objectified and controlled are precisely the ones we should be listening to. Minorities and Indigenous who have had everything sacred stripped away yet still sing, dance and stand up again and again. These are the people to hear and learn from. THAT is the reality, that is truth! That is where the healing, the answer and the solution lies! That is our way back to our selves! So will we risk stepping outside our comfort zones, will we risk hearing the hard stuff. Can we stand in some ones rage and tears and hold witness separate from ourselves. Can we dare to open our eyes, look around, and say ….enough!! It starts right here, right now, with me. ~

Connect to your roots with food!

I've been in love with food for as long as I can remember and I believe if we eat according to our cultural backgrounds it is the most beneficial physically, psychologically and emotionally. I think this is why Mexican food is the most popular food in our country. I have tried to go back as far a four generations by quizzing the elders in my family about their eating habits and there are two themes; 1. they have always considered themselves poor with very little to eat. 2. They always grew their own food.
Although my family has always been poor with not much food I think they had everything they needed but comparatively to our current, over consumerized state it must appear like they were doing without so much when in fact they were eating smaller portions, preparing the meals themselves and sat together to eat, they had a much healthier lifestyle. Adding to that lifestyle was the physical work they did to gather their food. This isn't that difficult but in general we are forgetting how to grow our own food. I'm so happy that it is becoming more common to have mini-gardens, everything helps!
This eating lifestyle seems almost impossible now with so many single parent homes and families no longer living in the same communities but in different states. This separation for us tribal peoples can be emotionally draining and overwhelming. One of the ways I cope is preparing food. It helps me feel good by honoring my roots and it also eliminates the nasty guilt that comes with not being able to mother the way I truly would love given the time and resources.
Here are a few tips to help you transition into a more "homemade" eating lifestyle that isn't so stressful and will help you feel better about yourself AND better food means a happier you!

1. Beans and rice are the foundation of our diet. 1 cup of dry beans = 3 cups cooked beans (the same is for rice). Clean and soak them overnight and they will cook in less than an hour for your meals.

2. List of spices and ingredients you should keep in your kitchen. onions, garlic or garlic powder, comino (cumin), salt, chili powder, tomatoe sauce, stewed tomatoes, flour.

3. Keep frozen veggies because we all know how difficult it is to eat fresh ones before they go bad and if your kids are like mine it's really hard to convince them to eat veggies. I like keeping green beans, squash, spinach, corn, and peas.

4. If you love bacon as much as we do SAVE THE BACON GREASE!! You can add it to your beans as they cook and when they done they taste so good. Add fresh onion, cilantro and heat yourself a corn tortilla or two and you have a complete and delicious meal for very little money. My dad loves adding a bit of mustard into his. ;)

I know you're probably thinking, "Fine! but what the heck I'm I gong to do with all of this once it's in my kitchen?" I will be happy to help, send me a note. Work on staying away from fast food and box dinners. Choose organic and non GMO foods as often as you can and go to your local farmer's market. Happy relaxing and remembering your roots in the kitchen!

article

See?! we aren't crazy!

This is a great article explaining why all men should be feminists and includes lots of statistics just in case it helps to convince you that there actually is a gender gap problem.

Staying Positive and Hopeful in the Struggle

This is such a big topic and not an easy one. As women who are single mothers and POC the struggle is often a minute to minute existence. Handling everything in a normal life with children on top of societal demands and labels can often be too much to handle. It feels overwhelming and very lonely. Here are some things you can do to get thru the pain so you can have the strength to keep going.

1. It's okay to be angry, sad and emotional you are juggling so much. Speak up to those around you who need you and ask for what you need. It may be some quiet time, a break from the chores (those are never ending and exhausting) or something as simple as watching a movie in peace. What ever it is for you in that moment ask for it and relax for a minute, take a breath. One of the most powerful gifts as a single mom is to have friend you can vent with, who will not take it on or try to talk you out of what you're feeling. Someone who understands and sees how much you are giving and how little comes to you in return. Being validated while in your struggle is a huge gift that brings energy to you and this is important because what you are doing and your struggle is important.

2. Listen to your gut. I understand this is becoming cliche' but it's true. This is so difficult to do because the world is so loud and so are people. It will help if you begin to separate yourself from unhealthy conversations and situations. Living the expression of your gut's voice doesn't have a plan or look a certain way. You are the only one that can know it and live and it takes courage. If you are managing life with all of the negative and disheartening messages constantly coming at you on a daily basis then you should know that you already have the courage. Now just stand up for yourself and your experience. You experiencing it is validation that it is real.

3. Define healthy and happy for yourself. Much of our suffering happens because we accept the "world's" definitions of happy and healthy. We haven't been taught to question or define these for
ourselves as an individual. We have been taught to know how to suffer so remind yourself and tell your safe people to remind your, gently, that suffering isn't necessary. The suffering we have learned drains us of our patience, courage and creativity. Imagine what you could change in your life if you had these resources. Imagine what your children would learn from you if you had the attention span and energy to apply towards patience, courage and creativity.

4. Be very strict with what you allow into your mind and where you place your attention. This includes people, situations, conversations, movies, music, social media, cell phones. Make time to have some uninterrupted quiet (at least quiet as a mom defines it) without self judgement. This will take some effort and even feel unnatural sometimes but do it anyway. This is really important when it comes to people so here are some things to think about when deciding who gets the gift of your attention. Just because someone sounds like they know what they are talking about doesn't mean they do. More time, money, social standing or friends DO NOT DEFINE YOUR CHARACTER!

Now that you have read this the information is in your awareness so please don't give yourself more work by making goals or applying expectations to yourself.  When you need to be reminded trust that creator will remind you. Please share your thoughts in a comment. Be gentle with yourself.